Humility, simplicity, unconditionality and minimalistic living.. That's My mom..

Mothers do not have age as all they have is abundant Unconditional love and Sacrifices  which are incalculable and unrecognizable.  What moms do  to the children and how they hold the families together,  is something which can never be fathomed and  never made an estimate of. If there is one love and care which is never an exaggeration and hence can never be measured, is moms place. Its extremely sad and unfortunate that, they too have to die and go away with the cruel plan and design of so called " GOD". He or She ( god ) biggest blunder and mistake is to create mothers as they only know one thing and that is give love despite million sufferings. This God gets jealous that Mom's might surpass them in all that is good, marvel and in the act of giving .  Hence the cruel act of death and separation. But little the god knows perhaps that, moms don't die as they continue to connect soulfully. There are so many messages and learnings that gave and left. Now its my turn to follow them and live with them. 

One pain that remains for ever and ever is Mothers absence  and  one that is 100% irreplaceable is moms presence. It gives not just warmth and comfort but the the energy  required for  handling all issues with grace and dignity. The very soul, which is the energy of life gets fractured and hurt when someone loses their mom. I am even wondering at this minute as to why am i even attempting a futile exercise of writing about mom as all i might end up doing is mentioning few cliché's and most popularly knows facts about mom.  So let me write about my mom who qualifies and defines more than what can be ever be written about motherhood. Let it sound as an exaggeration as the truth is more than the perception that can be expressed. Perceptions build theories and understandings , but what is more incisive and correct is the truth and hence that can never be an exaggeration. 

Unfortunately after failing to know the accurate results from the medical tests and hence not knowing the diagnosis perfectly , We had to take mom  to the hospital and admit her in the ICU as she showed signs of breathlessness on 8th early hours. Supposedly there was some water accumulation in the lungs and they tested for Covid in the CT Scanner and my heart and body became like a solidified ice in the -50 degrees situation. Thank Jealous God, she was tested negative. So it meant i will have access to her and can take care of her and feel less helpless. But when  they were poking her  for tests and supports , the heart was wrenching and no child how ever old he may be like me,  can ever see that bit of suffering . Amma is supposed to alleviate sufferings and not suffer herself. I felt i am inhuman of the highest order for resorting mom to such sufferings.   

The entry of her into ICU without me was the highest pain i had suffered in my life till then. It felt like an infant child being taken away from the mom.  My Mom was a child for me and unfortunately i couldn't be a mom to her. I hated myself and cursed myself those moments and it seemed like someone was taking away my life itself . I told them no ventilator come what may can be suggested.  They called me after good 2 hours and said my mom was refusing to eat anything and she asked for me to feed her and wanted me. That was like an Oscar award as i will not  know what it means to receive an oscar as i will never ever want it when my mom herself isn't there to pat on my back. I fed her in the ICU but her question was " Did u eat" ? why don't u go home and eat . In the highest pain and uncertainty her heart reaches out to children. Is there a better definition of unconditional love. If ever there is a question by anyone as to how can someone think of another persons problems when they themselves are in agony, here is the answer, that moms do it and at least my mom always did . 

 She would bother quite a bit  about my work and also on Ratings every Thursday and would always advise me to be detached and keep giving the best. She didn't study any mass media or any of the modern media journalism but without talking jargon she would touch on all nuances of TV functioning and ask me all relevant questions which would make me feel ashamed but  she used to give me strength and motivation to work smarter and harder. She would bother about every aspect of me very intensely. Basically she could not see the suffering of her child and never even showed also as she knew to offer solutions. 

She converses  with me , on  everything under the sun and is so openminded and has clarity on all matters of life  to the core. She is rebellious, she is progressive, she never says no to anything. She does not have any desires. She hides pains and problems perfectly so that we do not suffer. This was the unfair part about her. The blood flow was down and she was anemic . She lived last 2 years only with will and spirit and she exhausted that last few days.  A very big fan of cricket since 1983 and would know all players, teams, formats and strategies. She was an extremely avid follower and her company most of the times was Preetam my dearest nephew. 

She did not resist any of the marriages of her children, be it language, caste, sect differences etc. She never criticized anyone not did she have any bitterness. She was a father to my sisters kids and bought them up last 23 years along with Lata my Sister. The positive traits, the impeccable qualities are hundreds of them. A perfect soul and Brahma sisters would themselves say that she has a radiance and calmness of an angel.  

Her Persuasion of not wanting to be in the ICU on 8th Jan 2021  made me and hospital crew  to move her to the paid room and she was actually convalescing well and we as a family were nurturing hopes of a discharge. Mom was the biggest sweet heart and one of the aspects was her popular voice notes in the family. Despite being so unwell she gave happy birthday wishes to my Doctor Sister in Law, Sarada,  much to our surprise and joy. She even sat on the sofa as we ensured her oxygen levels don't fall by monitoring on an oxy meter . Entire family visited and saw her in next 2 days and spoke to her and all that.  It gave us a hope. But she was writhing in the pain and was very restless at around 1030 pm on the night of 10th Jan in room no 203 of LB Nagar Global Hospital. 

She went breathless when the oxygen was removed for about 90 seconds  around 11 pm , to give medicine and hot water,  I will never forgive myself  that night as i didn't have the clue about her state  and she just fell in my arms and pulse was not traceable . I shouted and screamed as the medical staff came and shifted her to the ICU back.  she was revived but failed to recognize me but after 30 mins she did recognize. I died in that 30 mins with all the negative feelings including highest guilt ever.. Those 2 to 3 mins then  and before that the oxygen supply was critical I guess.  I am not sure if i knew that i had to be careful about this and may be i should have monitored better.  I will never forgive myself for that as mom never ever made a single error when it comes to me and when ever,  it ever needed to take of me she did 100% accurate job , but i goofed it up . Mom is a mom and blokes like me  are never a match.

The next 12 days from 11th Evening when it seemed inevitable but put mom on a ventilator, to till she breathed last at 1.04 am on 24th which is an Ekadashi , lots of medical trials, experiments, consents from our end, anxieties, hope, prayers, reiki, etc etc happened from all of us in the family. She succumbed to the falling of parameters and she was declared dead long before we could take a decision of weaning off Ventilator etc.  She decided to not to put the family in the dilemma of deciding and she just made a decision on her own for a journey ahead.  She was so decisive in her thoughts and never fumbled or regretted on any decision. Mom was an example for living in all the ways that suits any situation but each time it was about simple living, humility and that healing divine smile. 

A mom is a mom is a mom and all mothers have qualities that makes the off springs life difficult after they pass away as there is no substitute to moms love.  Hence just like there is no age to mom, her children also can never get old to feel matured or strong and not miss her presence..

Mothers are connection to the world and her passing away seems like the connection is cut to this life and world as everything seems so meaningless. 

Amma was heavily into voice texting and patronizing You tube as her world was that last 3 years.  She is very progressive and apart from being tech Savvy she used to encourage all women to be independent, strong and successful. Many of the lady colleagues, women friends, acquaintances etc connected so well with her that she independently would have relationships with them sharing about her life and also advising them or just loving them unconditionally. She was bonding deeply with quite a few at the soul level.   If only she had the exposure like women have today and if only she could afford to study when she was young, she would have been much bigger change agent. But for thousands of people who ever met her they experienced her unconditional love.  She is the purest soul that I have ever known.  Bye Amma  in the material world but i know u know we always connect at the soul level.     Miss you amma tremendously and in every single breath .  

She had a definite and unique connect with each of the 9 grand children and she could never take any of her offspring's suffer for any reason. She was objective to the core and balanced all situations with great elan. She believed in God but was not subscribing to any rituals or practices. She believed in work is workship and also wished her children were ambitious but modest, successful but humble, and she lead a life enough for smaller blokes like me to emulate and learn for ever and ever. Hope i achieve 25% of what she was.  Love u Amma and Miss u like hell.