The Today’s yesterday for tomorrow’s today

                  The Today’s yesterday for tomorrow’s today  

Of late i had decided not to write serious stuff on my blog as i felt either most ideas  either get repetitive or most things are best avoided in public space as people need and deserve more humor, lighter vein stuff and chilled out writings. Or at best they can be therapeutic and not thought provoking. For this reason, i even stopped focusing on what i wanted to write, especially on the topic PAST..  A friend of mine is very troubled by the childhood and life in her youth. Quite understandably she is unable to get over and the past keeps coming back, manifests in thoughts and actions. Though i took references of most spiritual preaching’s and advised my friend not to let the past affect, i was not always convinced as it is not that easy to leave the past. It leaves an impression, it guides us, it has done all that it can do as a world drama does... We know lot of things, we have read scriptures but when we face reality, it raises ugly head to hit us down. 

There is no doubt we need to move on, as the world moves on and waits for none. So how do we treat the past and move on?  I for one realized, we cannot stay put in the past and we cannot undo the past. We were victims, we were the causes, we were the benefactors and we were game changers, we were everything possible. But all this are only reflections and interpretations.  How we wish it would be or could have been?  is the most useless question that can sap all energies and will never give any answers and solutions .

We move on with the learning and there is no guarantee that we learn from the mistakes and mishaps of the past  as the world reality, our world view, our experiences are so different and applying the past principles are nothing but redundant. Everything changes and forever and that is the law. Blaming the past, blaming the school, colony, friends, relatives, situations, experiences have no meaning except saying strongly that, we need to healed and we need to give the next generation the world they deserve. Since nothing is perfect, holding on to past is inviting imperfection now at least.

But not everything about the past is bad, avoidable and could have been better. Everything had a meaning and purpose and so does everything has a meaning and purpose. Things happen for the larger good and we will never be able to fathom the larger good if we are not objective. Trusting god is trusting in the way things happen. Or else it all remains pretensions and falsehood.

After grusha left for USA and after i moved into a new home, there was an opportunity, a chance stumbling into so many photographs, quite a few cards, and letters of friends from child hood that, it arrested me several times into those times. Honestly letters to SVS and from SVS are very fond, intense and honest. Reading them made me feel that nothing has changed, nor did i ? its almost like  Same patterns, same immaturity, same innocence, same irrationality and same mistakes.

So what has changed?  What changed only  seem like Situations and our reaction to situations.  Our sensibilities, sensitivities and world view have changed or is it the masks under which we are reeling and living? Ability to handle or pretend to handle fear, humiliation, suffering, insecurity, money, insufficiencies, death, health is better or we do not have so much time? or we do not have time to ponder to know the self  or don’t want to just know ?  too many questions of the present also is reflecting on the past.. 

So do we forget the past? Can we put away the past ? We need to as the future is based on the present and not on the past. The past has to be today’s yesterday and present has to be tomorrow’s today. I still love to look at all my children’s photographs, talk and remember about them. Recollection of all those lovely moments brings past glory. I loved my 3 Grand moms and i can never forget my brother who passed away exactly 3 years ago, can’t forget my times with my sister and cousins.

 The fights with my dad, movies watching with him, buying vegetables with him, and all those school days where we did not have to wear shoes, we walked to school etc.  The cycle rickshaws, the great public gardens once a month, the raja rani park in koti, the 100 rupees crackers for all 9 kids, the 20 pani puris for one rupee at bank street, thousands of fond memories which made us what we are . All good and bad is the result of that. We need not disown and feel sad. Everything had a purpose and everything has a meaning. We are just actors. We play the role and if we did not do well in the past, we can’t brood as the role and story is different. We need to be part of the hit movie and of the past movie  

These good alone has to heal the past and set the mood for the future. I am no better than what i was and i may not be good in future than what i am today. But its all ok and everything is ok. This minute, this moment what am I? Am i hurting someone consciously or deliberately? Am i being useful?  Most importantly am i enjoying what i am doing?  AM i playing the role well enough?  if anything from the past helps do all these, then use it or else let it remain an album that can flipped once a year. 

Even the remakes of the movie need to be given a new treatment and state of art of technology and understanding. Its life and so we move on  and on and on .... We are on the verge of moving into new year. Happy new year .

SERVICE , HELP, FAVOR AND NOT WORK

In this world, the wonderful people, wonderful acts, need not be the one that look good, pleasant and appealing. In fact we ignore several good things around us which are letting us live in peace and get along in life.

Long ago, may be about 26 years ago, we had some drainage problem in the colony at santoshnagar. I was actively involved in the colony development activities and so was attending to all issues. For this typical and critical problem of drainage, we had to engage one casual labour as they would call ( i would feel sad at that) who should get into the manhole and dip himself in for few minutes and remove blockages. This according to me was most inhuman act and i was cursing at the lack of technology or indifference of governments.

Bad enough someone was willing to do this for survival, what was appalling and disgusting was indifference and insensitivity of people to pay enough money for this and also of the regular employees of MCH who would exploit this hero. I would get damn depressed, and my dad fortunately gave decent money for him and hence reduced my guilt. Can there be more degrading way of treating people i would feel. I want to believe that such instances and needs have stopped. 

Now in the current times also there are many such works which we folks cannot even imagine doing or would not do for reasons known to each individuals. In many cases, i challenge we can’t even do with efficiency. Hence the least one can do is treat such people with respect and give them good money as they too have families and their children are studying in decent schools and their overheads have also gone high .

I see most people trying to cut corners in these areas..  Auto guys, servant maids, watchmen, push cart vendors, and many more. Recently when i was shifting my home, couple of people helped me a great way. I may have hired them for money but their commitment is something which motivates me. What for? Just few rupees? Amazing is their work and nature to help. Honestly i see god in them for helping me. All i did was to repose trust in them and kept smiling and treating them as co humans.

We must recognize and encourage. After what we earn and  get is also for sharing with these people. Not giving enough and more is also one form of greed as we want to have everything for ourselves. Bad enough they are doing so many things for you and making life easy and we still want to benefit more for us and deny for them.  If someone is doing that, please change today or at least think and acknowledge they are helping us and not working for us . 

Like  money cannot buy peace, happiness and health, you can’t buy these people with money. Love them, care for them and recognize them. If possible share more money with them. So what i am serious and so what i am emotional and so what i am preachy...something deserve unconditional attention and yes these people who are called poor , richly deserve love and respect.

SACHIN ... THE MAN THAT HE IS

I was never a great fan of Sachin and i had my own justifications and theory about why i preferred Ganguly, Yuvraj, Sidhu, Sehwag, Dravid and laxman than him as my favourite. That is not relevant as many things including feelings are history. But i still tried for tickets for his final match and wanted to be there for the most historical moment for Indian cricket. It will always remain a debate if cricket was compromised for an individual in that final test of Sachin as it seemed like an overdose of everything that was done.

 Most wonderful moments other than the great man were not even talked about or recognized. According to me, Rohit played one of the finest innings of cricket as he had the partnership of 80 runs for the last wicket on a wicket which was smelling death. Let us leave all that here, as we Indians are different and prefer to be so, as against the rest of the world. This is fine and one man and one match could bring the country together after a long time is enough a testimony to conclude that all that happened in that test is correct and justifiable.

Now to coming to those final moments......  after last wicket was taken by Mohd shami, he ran and pulled out the wicket and waved at everyone and started walking back to dressing room.  Here was a child and student of cricket and he cried his head down till he reached dressing room.



 First time ever i got very emotional about him. I felt he was like a child whose mother was going away forever and he will miss her for life time. It hit me very hard what that moment must have meant to him. First time i felt, he should change his decision and continue for some more time. But that was only a very emotional moment. It suddenly occurred to me what his journey must have been and he doesn’t know anything else but cricket. It does not happen to many. It happens to rehman, lata mangeshkar, and to sachin .

Then i was extremely fortunate to have heard his final speech live on television. I have no shame in admitting that i was crying continuously for 15 minutes. It is not the content but the manner in which he spoke. His presence, his calmness, his stature, his divinity was all these to see and experience. 


Probably God himself was present these to witness such an astounding event of human life. Thousands in the stadium, millions across the world stood still and everyone’s throat choked and everyone became meditative and still. That was an experience of life time. Blessed are those who were physically present.

The speech must be made to listen in all schools, universities, and all sports academies. Every child has to listen,  and be guided and made to understand the crux, the meat of the speech. It’s just a summary of why sachin is what he is. What it takes beyond the sport to be what he is , comes out very distinctly in his speech. 

I was reeling under this emotion for a quite long and suddenly heard that Indian government announced Bharat Ratna and that is the crystallization of nations dream and pride. Sometimes, its better given at the opportune time like this and enrich the value also. I salute sachin for all that he believed in and practised and his love for the country has given me reassurance at the time the patriotism is at the lowest. Like my friend SVS said, hope he does not get into politics and rather do many more meaningful endeavours.

The cricket,  the life continues with renewed responsibility and commitment when great humans walk away. Sachin has excelled as human with the vehicle of cricket and this is what is expected of anyone who makes a mark in life that they live and so is he the greatest sportsman india has seen so far..  hats off little man.

INSPIRATION, GRATITUDE AND HONESTY....

                             MANAGEMENT OF GIFT AND LOVE ..

A blog is a personal forum being published for known public consumption. It is not exhaustive as a book, nor is too personal like a diary. It is not even like an article for mass, unknown consumption like in a mass media. Or so is my understanding. But what i forgot, neglected and ignored is that, anything expressed is released into a space of access for people to consume, understand and react the way they do in their own personal space. So there can be disdain, appreciation, liking, feedback, criticism and in my case what i did not expect is inspiration. 

I knew there are some friends and well wishers who encourage me to write blogs as they read them and ask me what next, when again and so on . But i did not expect and know that few people can even get inspired. Yes indeed, i put my thoughts into this space only if i feel tremendously or intensely on topics or some incidents or when i feel i am not heard or understood on issues and feelings. To that extent it is slightly more than the status messages posted on the wall in the FB. This is said in all humility.

 I do get conscious and hence do not express entirely and honestly on some topics like for example on the one i wrote on my first impressions of USA. I felt i just expressed or poured out 10 % of my inner feelings and emotions of missing my sweet heart Grusha. Few people did express that, that blog was emotional and SVS pointed out that that blog seemed personal and i was actually taken aback as i did not intend that blog to be emotional. Hence one cannot be sure of how anything is perceived and interpreted once it’s out of the mind and heart. Hence one has to be honest when writing and expressing in any form. Honesty does not mean truth here but being able to express in entirety and not just mention. This way there is no burden on the self of not having said . This is one part of the story.

The other most positive aspect is that, we never know what impact these writings may have. It can inspire people and hence it is always a responsibility to express something and not write as a merely creative platform. Here is an example of how one of my friend got inspired by that blog. I was damn shocked when someone i know came home by taking my time and pleaded to open a square shaped 3 feet by 3 feet well packed wrap and called it a gesture and inspiration and not gift. Here it is ... 

I was deeply touched and had no words to express my gratitude. He knows i do not accept gifts as i am very bad at handling that aspect in life as gifts can never merely be a transaction and exchange process. I am pathetic at giving gifts and hence do not even want to receive. I am most uncomfortable about gifts. If someone donated an organ, is the money paid a substitute? It can never be. Likewise, any gift given cannot have a proper reciprocation though people always try and tend to match the return gifts. Most horrible thing happens in marriages. If i give a sliver glass, i will get the same or equal value in money. This i feel is insulting the relationship. It happens in most gift exchanges.

Hence coming back to this piece of art, can it be called gift and reduced to an action of pleasing or making me happy? Absolutely not... It was a gesture to show that, the inspiration got by the person had to be expressed in some manner. My question of whether that blog deserved this pain, meticulousness and thought cannot be answered as i am only thinking from my perspective. So accept this and be happy. No.. there is a burden of not knowing how to handle this gesture and there is a lacunae of not knowing how to express gratitude. More so when lot of disillusionment has set in , owing to several back stabs of late. There is a conscious effort to convert indifference to detachment, from bitterness to grace. 

In all this transitional stage, do i worry about mean people’s interpretation of why this was given? Or just keep wondering the pains behind this painting?  The love behind this thought, the care identified by reading the blog and the overall sensitization of the person who made this is more critical. To be understood is rare of late and here is someone who has actually delved deep and empathised .

It is quite common for celebrities to get these kinds of gestures/ gifts and quite common for people to offer these to celebrities. It is also not very difficult to buy lot of stuff and gift to people. But this kind of effort can come with inspiration and inspiration from thought and thought from the character. It is not what was written and felt but what was understood and implemented. It is the subtle care which can never be returned nor expressed as any form of gratitude. But this will remain embedded in the soul forever, especially as i take it as recognition of a fathers love to a daughter.

All expressions will have an impact and hence care is required, all gestures can never be returned as any gratitude is meagre to match the original. And all expressions have to be honest in the sense of complete pour out so that there is no burden of carrying the misinterpretation or at least it is reduced.

I do not want to mention the name of the person who inspired me, made me speechless and conquered as anonymity brings more respect to relationship. To put all grapevines to rest, it is a guy and not a woman or girl who took  so much pain to express thanks. He got inspired by my blog and he in turn inspired me by thinking a lot and engaging a painter and explaining the idea of how he wants what he understood. The impact is here to be seen and to be read. But let me say thanks buddy.. It means a lot and i respect your gesture and not treat as a gift and i am scared of them.

For this true unconditional love, i do not even bother about what people will think, say or understand. But i still do not want to reveal your name. I belong to the generation where love is never expressed but dies as a suffering. Here you expressed and i accepted. And this is what matters the most and not about people.