INSPIRATION, GRATITUDE AND HONESTY....

                             MANAGEMENT OF GIFT AND LOVE ..

A blog is a personal forum being published for known public consumption. It is not exhaustive as a book, nor is too personal like a diary. It is not even like an article for mass, unknown consumption like in a mass media. Or so is my understanding. But what i forgot, neglected and ignored is that, anything expressed is released into a space of access for people to consume, understand and react the way they do in their own personal space. So there can be disdain, appreciation, liking, feedback, criticism and in my case what i did not expect is inspiration. 

I knew there are some friends and well wishers who encourage me to write blogs as they read them and ask me what next, when again and so on . But i did not expect and know that few people can even get inspired. Yes indeed, i put my thoughts into this space only if i feel tremendously or intensely on topics or some incidents or when i feel i am not heard or understood on issues and feelings. To that extent it is slightly more than the status messages posted on the wall in the FB. This is said in all humility.

 I do get conscious and hence do not express entirely and honestly on some topics like for example on the one i wrote on my first impressions of USA. I felt i just expressed or poured out 10 % of my inner feelings and emotions of missing my sweet heart Grusha. Few people did express that, that blog was emotional and SVS pointed out that that blog seemed personal and i was actually taken aback as i did not intend that blog to be emotional. Hence one cannot be sure of how anything is perceived and interpreted once it’s out of the mind and heart. Hence one has to be honest when writing and expressing in any form. Honesty does not mean truth here but being able to express in entirety and not just mention. This way there is no burden on the self of not having said . This is one part of the story.

The other most positive aspect is that, we never know what impact these writings may have. It can inspire people and hence it is always a responsibility to express something and not write as a merely creative platform. Here is an example of how one of my friend got inspired by that blog. I was damn shocked when someone i know came home by taking my time and pleaded to open a square shaped 3 feet by 3 feet well packed wrap and called it a gesture and inspiration and not gift. Here it is ... 

I was deeply touched and had no words to express my gratitude. He knows i do not accept gifts as i am very bad at handling that aspect in life as gifts can never merely be a transaction and exchange process. I am pathetic at giving gifts and hence do not even want to receive. I am most uncomfortable about gifts. If someone donated an organ, is the money paid a substitute? It can never be. Likewise, any gift given cannot have a proper reciprocation though people always try and tend to match the return gifts. Most horrible thing happens in marriages. If i give a sliver glass, i will get the same or equal value in money. This i feel is insulting the relationship. It happens in most gift exchanges.

Hence coming back to this piece of art, can it be called gift and reduced to an action of pleasing or making me happy? Absolutely not... It was a gesture to show that, the inspiration got by the person had to be expressed in some manner. My question of whether that blog deserved this pain, meticulousness and thought cannot be answered as i am only thinking from my perspective. So accept this and be happy. No.. there is a burden of not knowing how to handle this gesture and there is a lacunae of not knowing how to express gratitude. More so when lot of disillusionment has set in , owing to several back stabs of late. There is a conscious effort to convert indifference to detachment, from bitterness to grace. 

In all this transitional stage, do i worry about mean people’s interpretation of why this was given? Or just keep wondering the pains behind this painting?  The love behind this thought, the care identified by reading the blog and the overall sensitization of the person who made this is more critical. To be understood is rare of late and here is someone who has actually delved deep and empathised .

It is quite common for celebrities to get these kinds of gestures/ gifts and quite common for people to offer these to celebrities. It is also not very difficult to buy lot of stuff and gift to people. But this kind of effort can come with inspiration and inspiration from thought and thought from the character. It is not what was written and felt but what was understood and implemented. It is the subtle care which can never be returned nor expressed as any form of gratitude. But this will remain embedded in the soul forever, especially as i take it as recognition of a fathers love to a daughter.

All expressions will have an impact and hence care is required, all gestures can never be returned as any gratitude is meagre to match the original. And all expressions have to be honest in the sense of complete pour out so that there is no burden of carrying the misinterpretation or at least it is reduced.

I do not want to mention the name of the person who inspired me, made me speechless and conquered as anonymity brings more respect to relationship. To put all grapevines to rest, it is a guy and not a woman or girl who took  so much pain to express thanks. He got inspired by my blog and he in turn inspired me by thinking a lot and engaging a painter and explaining the idea of how he wants what he understood. The impact is here to be seen and to be read. But let me say thanks buddy.. It means a lot and i respect your gesture and not treat as a gift and i am scared of them.

For this true unconditional love, i do not even bother about what people will think, say or understand. But i still do not want to reveal your name. I belong to the generation where love is never expressed but dies as a suffering. Here you expressed and i accepted. And this is what matters the most and not about people.

USA, SELF AND REALITY CHECK

This blog is not so much about the USA perse but what being here has made me think and understand about myself. Probably this is the first time ever that i have detached myself in the true sense, though not completely but to the larger extent from all issues that i got entangled in several long years which includes work, profession, personal life and just about everything. I have had a chance to see myself  from outside me. This outside is not far away from what well wishers, friends have seen about me and been advising, criticizing and all that. It is a blessing to have a friend like SVS allowing space here in USA for all that self exploration. I cannot claim that i am  being  totally objective,  but at least i am not rushing into things and concluding anything. The biggest learning for me is that, there cannot be comparisons of any 2 things , even if they seem comparable, familiar, similar etc.. Second , everything and everybody needs to be understood only from the context and situation. Hence, good bad, judgements, right wrong, and all that,  and things we are always in hurry to do / conclude are really irrelevant in larger understanding of life. I am not talking elementary here as these aspects were known, understood and seemingly practiced  but not applied by me in true spirits.

Giving space to the self, opening up to the nature and being receptive to the world are 3 things that can expand the inner self and enrich all the experiences. Or else everything  that is got will remain like achieved feelings with out the true experience of happiness and joy. This visit is a forced favor of the nature on me and thrust ed opportunity to reform and be experience simple happiness from within. Actually i am playing the role of an Ethnographer ( an objective researcher who does the combination of qualitative and quantitative research by being an outsider but getting into the group) and doing sensitive research of the self with the USA environment assisting me.  Being away from the physical space, especially with the advantage of different time zones, takes one away from the work, contacts, regular issues and transfers to a well deserved time for the self. Meditation ought to do this role of focusing on the self and deriving happiness from the self. The question that you the reader of this blog might get ... What is self here? it is the place which is enabling the self to act? partly true but several times i have had change of space, but still the self was not active. This is why i must credit to SVS my friend.

I have had notions about people here, people there, on poverty, on population, on life style, on values , on beliefs, on just about everything. But we do not have the  right to comment or conclude unless we spend a great time and sincerity to understand processes of life and in context. Hopefully , being in USA for 3 weeks, though under a protected umbrellas called Sai dinakar and SVS, i am able to understand the world view differently. I wish to take back the learning's and apply myself to all the issues that keeps bothering me.  Basically its the space for the self and the environment which lends meaning to space has been important for me. Transformation or the willingness to change does not absolve of all the pains and difficulties of life but the approach to issues will probably change.  Here my learning in  fundamentals of understanding the self  with Sujatha Potay also adds greater meaning. But most important in applying the benefits, derived  from  here for longer time would require drawing huge hidden strength from with in . The tool i need to use to draw this is just stay focused and keep practicing what i believe , the RAJA YOGA meditation of Brahmakumaris.

There is a temptation to just pour out the deepest thoughts and feelings  here  but i need to be concious of all the friends and well wishers  time and attention span, who read my blog and encourage me. BUt its the need felt to make know the fact that, god blessed tours like this will take away the layers, the hardened thick resistances, defenses, cliches, and assumptions about life, people, processes and places.  I am tempted to quote the song from PAUL MCCARTNEY
" Ebony and ivory       ...We All Know That People Are The Same Where Ever We Go
There Is Good And Bad In Ev'ryone,
We Learn To Live, We Learn To Give
Each Other What We Need To Survive Together Alive."

Ebony And Ivory Live Together In Perfect Harmony
Side By Side On My Piano Keyboard, Oh Lord Why Don't We?
Hopefully , USA trip gets me to my roots and helps me start life all over again with a new lease , with freshness and fervor.  I will live twice in this world ... Yes  meaningfully so , to the self and all others .